It took me a long time to come to this conclusion, and it may be completely obvious to you – so bear with me.
I hope that you’ve noticed that I’ve been absent for a while from the cyber world of my dear blog, and let me tell you why. I’ve been pressuring myself to write, starting a few drafts and leaving them out to dry — blowing in the wind of dissatisfaction and “not good enough.” So each time, I hit “Save Draft,” close out the window, and hope that next time goes better. That’s where I’ve been at.
However, a few things have happened recently, and they tie together in a “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone” kind of way:
I was at the gym the other night, pretty late in the evening. Equinox closes at 10pm, and I was finishing my workout as they were making the “please kindly get the heck out of here” announcement. There were two ladies that were close to where I was, and it was clear that they were talking about what I was doing. I had the battle ropes set up, an elevated step for lateral jumps, and the TRX band nearby for suspended pike crunches. I was ending my workout with a superset of these three moves, blasting through them as fast as I could. During a rest set, one of the ladies commented “that looks so hard” and the other agreed quickly. I immediately invited them to join me, and told them that it was hard, but that you can work up to it. One of the ladies said that she wanted to get in shape and work with a trainer, but that she needed to get to a better place first. What I immediately told her was that you have to come as you are — that’s why you get a trainer! Don’t try to get in shape to start working with someone who’s going to get you in shape. Be comfortable in who you are, as you are. Then go and chase your goals. By the end of the time I taught her the exercises I was doing, and showed her a progress photo of myself (I’ve lost nearly 20 pounds and 7-8% body fat since starting to work with my trainer in October), she seemed convinced that maybe I was on to something.
A different night, I was thinking about how I haven’t been in touch with my faith as much as I have been in the past, and it really bothered me. Working the job that I do places me right in the heart of the Catholic Church for 50+ hours per week, constantly working in parishes and with pastors, but I haven’t been getting that full faith experience in a personal way. Again, I got the thought that before I started to reconnect with God, I needed to figure out exactly where I went astray, examine my sins and work through them on my own — all before asking for God’s help.
And recently, I’ve felt a fear wash over me that falling in love may be the scariest thing ever, and that I need to prepare myself for that to ever happen. I’ve never been in love, and the idea of it is both intimidating, exciting, and overwhelming. I was talking to a friend and saying that I wasn’t ready to feel that way about any one, and she just said to me “if you think you’re not ready for it, and you’re freaking out, it’s probably because you are falling in love.”
So what connects the three little stories? The fact that we’re never TRULY ready for whatever we are facing. And, that. is. okay. Believe it or not. I think that learning to become content in the ebbs and flows of life, particularly those in which you want to have it all together, is a learned skill that shows a true spirit. I am not there yet, I’m a work in progress. But even this newfound thought that “it’s okay to not be okay” is a refreshing and relieving belief to have. So whether it’s writing five blog post drafts, or hesitating to start that workout…Whether it’s feeling like you’ve gone too far for God to come back into your life, or if you feel as though your heart is about to burst….Let’s all take a moment to realize that we are human, and we’re never going to be fully ready. That’s what life is all about — taking what is given to us, making the best out of it, and hoping that it too makes the best out of us.