Sometimes you gotta lose your breath to find your heartbeat. Under Armour sometimes really gets their ads right. I saved this image a while back because I oftentimes find myself drawing upon inspirations from a long time ago — and always seeming to find the right quote exactly when I need it.
Today was one of those days. While there was good, I found myself dwelling on the rough parts of it. The one thing to close out my day with a guaranteed positive note was my workout. So when that didn’t go as planned and I struggled to hit my weights, I felt like I had kinda lost where I was at altogether. My trainer said to me “GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD” and I knew that was exactly it. In that moment, I was being so hard on myself and focusing on the negatives, that I wasn’t able to recognize the life and strength within me. And as much as I was upset and frustrated during the workout, I am able to look back even just a couple of hours and appreciate the realizations that I made during it. I proverbially (and literally) lost my breath during that workout, and then was able to find my heartbeat again…but that was only when I went to check for it.
As always, there’s a parallel. Recently I’ve felt disconnected from my true self – based on my crazy work schedule and the thoughts that seem to overtake my brain about useless worries and things that are out of my control, I haven’t checked to feel my own heartbeat in a while.
So last night, I made a first step. I wanted to reconnect with God in a way that is long overdue. I have mentioned/referred to it before, but when I write my thoughts, eventually I lose myself in the most sacred way. In those moments, I find my true self. In that way, it is a time that I take to check my own heartbeat, remember it’s there, and move on. I read the quote “This world is amazing and you’ll forget that again and again your whole life. But if you remember more than you forget, you’ll be fine.” I thank God for these times of being prompted to remember how amazing this world and this life truly is.
In true attempt-to-be-vulnerable fashion, I’m going to go out on a limb and post what I wrote last night in my journal.
Here goes, (unedited):
Tuesday Jan 13th, 2015 (12:14am so really 1/14/15)
I open up this book – a collection of sacred thoughts and words – once residing on the top of my tongue – now regarded as memory – and I’m not stopping to read them. I flip straight to a page where I can begin anew the journey of documenting my thoughts – because only then do I validate them. I know that in here I hold experiences that are dear and vulnerable thoughts of my heart broken open…and tonight I feel longing to get to that place again.
I need my heart broken by God so that I can be made perfect in Him. My eyes have drifted, sin has won over me too many times recently that I feel as though the mirror is a cloudy view of all He intends me to be.
Yet even now, I already feel my pen taking over, a reassurance that in my letting go, You are here. It is the thought I need – I need to be reassured that my heart is worthy of a love beyond that which I can imagine and project upon whoever is in my sights. I need my thoughts of doubt and guilt and lust and jealousy to come flowing out of me so that Your grace has room to dwell. Lord, I need you. Every hour I need you. — This song has been in my head for weeks now – even before I went home and put my hands on this journal for the first time in months. You are intentional, You are perfect, and You make all things new. Restore in me the comfort of your presence, and grow in me a love of self that ultimately continues to lead me to You.
“All along I was looking for something more, you’re so much more. I finally found what I could never see before, you’ve always been the one that I was looking for.”
Whew. The journal entry was a blessing to have before my day today, for as the challenges of the day made me feel broken, I now look back to the journal which had been neglected for months and I find strength. This time, in my own words. In April of 2014 I wrote: “There will prove to be many more times in which you are tested and challenged to rise to the occasion…” and in December of 2013 I referenced a quote: “Can we let go of our own individual fears and even our plans to embrace hope? Can we say ‘I don’t know what all this means, but I trust that good things will happen?'”
Finding your heartbeat by losing your breath at times is good. Losing your breath makes you start to want to embrace hope, to feel as though you can’t do it on your own. I know I can’t.