[Again, one of those times that I’m being like 100% vulnerable for you all here. I have entered in what I wrote in a journal tonight at church. No edits, just me and my heart. I hope you enjoy it.]
Life has a funny way of hitting you right when you least expect it. I think that in those times when you’re knocked to the ground before you can even realize what hit you, you’re in the perfect position to pray. To empty yourself to the God who saves. It’s honestly probably the scariest thing to admit you need God.
It’s commonplace to hear or even say, but when it all comes down to it, there are times (as I’m experiencing now) that no amount of any other form of relief can heal. Only God can take our brokenness and manifest His glory in our pain. Only God can take what pains us the most and reduce it to dust. Only God can stand atop the mountain with us, gaze out into the world and say – ‘my child, have no fear. I made all of this for you.’
So why is it that after this, my heart still aches? Why is it that I want tears to stream down my face to show that I’m alive, but no matter how hard I try – nothing happens?
I hear You in the silence tonight, and it’s exactly what I needed. Though I’m not where I need to be now, I’m physically on point. Though I’m not at the point where my heart is postured towards You fully, I at least can say that my compass has been re-calibrated and now it’s up to me. I can say that ‘He is well – because Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed; victory is won, He has risen from the dead. And I will rise, when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain, I will rise on eagle’s wings, before my God, fall on my knees.”
[One more bit of text that I wrote tonight, from a different part of my journal entry.]
Like a magnet, I’m drawn to You. Your power is beyond what I can resist. The challenge of trying just this once to do it on my own because its feeling ‘right’ is quickly overcome by the unmistakable drag to You. Unwilling yet completely desirous of You, I end up in Your arms. What now? What do I say, do, feel? I don’t say a word. I remain still.
I don’t know if the words I just shared with you will do anything for you, other than give a scarily vulnerable look into my own heart. But I hope that they resonate, I hope they move something in you tonight. And I hope you had a blessed Easter. 🙂 As an Easter message for you, here is a quote from Pope Francis’ Easter Vigil homily:
“And this is a message meant for me and for you, dear sister, dear brother. How often does Love have to tell us: Why do you look for the living among the dead? Our daily problems and worries can wrap us up in ourselves, in sadness and bitterness…and that is where death is. That is not the place to look for the One who is alive!”
Verse for you: “He took our suffering on Him and felt our pain for us.” – Isaiah 53:4